I just had my third eye surgery to slow down the loss of vision in my left eye, and I realized that my prognosis is not great.
It finally sunk in.
This surgery preserves my central vision in the left eye, but only for a time. Is there anything that I can do to stop the degenerative process that is affecting the cells in both of my eyes? My vision is already quite limited, to the point where I am constantly aware of how much I cannot see. I have blind spots in the center of my right eye, and the central vision of my left eye is how I can read and write. And it is not the kind of vision problem that can be fixed with glasses, but I still wear them because, like a bad pair of robbers, my degenerative retinal disease has a very good friend, astigmatism, and at least that can be corrected!
There are ways to slow down and maybe even treat the condition to some extent, but I can't go against my convictions. It would require being okay with doctors replicating and altering embryonic stem cells, which some say are from a batch of a miscarried baby, but considering what happens in medicine now, it is more likely a freshly aborted fetus.
I also read about the possibility of a chip that could be inserted into my eye and connected to my brain. Is this something that Elon Musk invented? I wonder... but even so, I wouldn't have it done. Somehow, the idea of having a foreign object responsible for how I process visual information terrifies me more than losing my sight. We live in a time when we need to carefully investigate and test things against the truth (the Word of our God), and I am sure that the chip wouldn't come with this algorithm!
Jokes aside, thinking that my vision can stay the same if I am lucky or maybe in 10-15 years my vision will turn into complete tunnel vision, or maybe even worse, is sobering and inspiring at the same time. Why? Because it makes one thing very clear. I am not in control.
There is a conflict in my heart now between grief over my world getting smaller and gratefulness for how God has provided me with creative ways to keep it expanded.
I may not be able to see distant details on the horizon out there, and my friends' faces are becoming more and more blurry, but the world on canvas is about more than what I can or cannot see.
Back in 2018, when I decided to embrace art as my calling, I spent time thinking about the name for my art brand. During a prayerful run, it came to me. It was going to be WholeHeartedArts. Even then, I knew that my art wasn't just about how I see the world, but about being wholehearted. And being wholehearted isn't about expressing my heart, but rather staying true to the One who gave me a heart. My God.
I didn't know then, but God did, that my eyes are degenerating and within just 2 years, I would need eye surgeries and experience a partial loss of sight.
I always knew my eyes weren't the best, but I didn't know how progressive the condition I had was. I never expected to not to have three eye surgeries in my early 40s.
My world is blurry, and I will never be able to just get in the car and go, but my heart is growing because I live less by what I see and more by faith.
God has been showing me in so many ways how He is always in control and has a plan for things I didn't see in my future. He started those plans way back, and He continues until I am standing with Jesus in glory with a brand new body and perfect eyesight.
God made my eyes! He made my heart. He made everything about me. And I am grateful. So although there is still a conflict in my heart between grief and gratefulness, the latter is winning!
I am also reminded of the fragment of psalm that started my faith journey with God: “The law of the LORD is perfect,fn reviving the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple;8 the precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes;9 the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rulesfn of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether.” Psalm 19:7-9 When I read those words first in 2008, I asked God to be my God and Jesus to be my Savior. I needed it to be truth then, and now I know it is always true. God’s Word is always True! He will be my eyes.
The art created in 2024 is all about gratefulness and trusting God. I hope it will inspire you to seek God and His ways because, no matter what we plan for ourselves, we can never be fully prepared for what we don't know. But He knows!
God bless you!
Stay faithful and grow in gratefulness.
Agata May'kowska