Please, when you read that, remember we are only two years into our marriage, and I may have a very limited understanding of what is still ahead of us. This could just be a naive and immature take of a "freshly married" woman, or maybe this is some sort of lucky knowledge I accidentally received just because I have made my fair share of mistakes and God has had mercy on me...
Still, I am just blessed I get to share it with anyone who wants to hear me out.
So, what is the advice that I happily refused to take? It is probably one that you have heard many times, or even gave to someone, and it is "make sure your husband takes you out on a date at least once a week" or "whatever you do, never stop dating each other," or some other version of that.
The original problem I had with this is that my husband and I didn't really date in the first place. We went out mostly to be in a public place and not end up getting too intimate before it was right and proper to do so, or we went out because we had something important we had to do, and we tagged along with each other. We also loved hiking, so we would spend hours in the park, walking long distances and smiling through the pain of blisters on our feet, just to impress one another and not interrupt an important conversation we were having...
And then we got married, and the pressure of trying to do this romantic courting thing that people were doing around us was gone... And we were happy. But this is when we started hearing the advice about dating. The idea of going on dates with my husband was even more absurd to me after getting married than before. We had made a lifelong commitment to each other, and everyone was already giving us advice to date to make sure our marriage survives. But we didn’t get married because we liked to date each other! We married because we both hated dating and wanted to enter a holy covenant of marriage to grow in love of Christ for each other and to love the world together. This has been our common understanding of marriage.
Yes, we totally enjoyed spending time together and doing fun or just everyday things. We were easy, kind of a good fit for one another, but no matter how well we matched, we knew that marriage isn’t just about that. Marriage wasn't a human institution, but one established by God, and we couldn’t find any mention of dating before or after marriage in the Bible.
There are many other things pertaining to marriage people are doing right now that we also couldn’t find in the Bible. Even the way the ceremony and vows are made is now more of a cultural, originated in the church traditional way rather than biblical.
We decided to be rebels and base our marriage on Christ, not human traditions or advice.
We do enjoy some traditions that pertain to marriage, and we even practice some of them and give up others but they aren’t the essence of out covenant. For example, we will celebrate our marriage anniversary each year with a small gift, but we skipped honeymoons, bridal showers, and most of the wedding ceremony.
Our marriage covenants, signed and framed, hanged on our wall to remind us of what we promised to each other and to Christ. There is liberty that you can exercise in marriage, except one: you don't get to define it or change the word of God about it or anything else. This is very serious to us. But don't worry, we don't believe that dating, although not mentioned in the Bible, is in any way forbidden, restricted, or not beneficial. There are instances where even if it's allowed, it may not be most beneficial to the couple, and I also believe that it may be very beneficial to some, but not to us.
Let me share with you all the thoughts I had about dating…
1. Who has time for that? Didn't you fill your days with work, chores, and lovingly dealing with one another through the busy or the boring days? Aren't you working towards your personal and family goals? Will you fit the date night between visiting your parents, grocery shopping, or Bible study?
2. Who has energy for that? Even with the best intentions, if my husband would say at 5pm on Wednesday - honey, you look so beautiful, let's go out - I would look at him thinking... Why, but why? Didn't you like the dinner? Can't you just have more cereal?
3. Who can afford it? Every year we are going to an expensive steakhouse for both of our parents' birthdays, and we celebrate their life by spending a fortune on average-tasting food when we both prefer the meals, we (well, I) cooked at home. Nothing about this dinner, except the great company of our parents, is worth mentioning. In return when it is our birthdays, we have a family dinner at home. And when I consider the costs and benefits of having an overpriced, overrated meal for the amount of our electric bill, not having any dishes to do after doesn't really feel like any benefit.
4. Did I mention we have the best, absolutely best time sharing our meals at home? Who needs to go on a date if every dinner is better than a date?
But as I pondered further, I realized that this advice must have had more to it than just the food. Perhaps it was about my husband making me feel special, or maybe it was about giving ourselves a break from the monotony of everyday life. It all sounded plausible in theory, but still, we didn't follow that advice because our life is far from monotony.
Our days are purposeful, and the purpose is bigger than just me, my husband, and even our family. We serve Jesus Christ, and He decided for our life to be everything but boring. And how can I explain that I don't need to feel special to my husband... I rather feel grateful and closer to Christ than special. I am already the only woman that gets to wake up to my husband every morning and go to sleep next to him. This is special enough, and no number of candles will make it any more special but may give us a raise in our home insurance.
Truth be told, I might just be too old for all that dating nonsense. We got married late. I was 41, and he was 37, and our heads were emptied from all the ideological and romantic notions of marriage, and filled with the real-life observation. We knew who we were, we didn't need anyone to tell us we were important. We learned how to be just average, plain people, and we also knew what we wanted from each other... and it wasn't to be adored, but to be built up. Instead of making each other feel special, we aimed to be a good example to each other. And if it wasn't our observation, then again, we had a biblical view of marriage, and dates weren't really a part of that.
So, to summarize, I don't fully understand or feel the need for any special or traditional date nights with my husband. Now, if you tell me to have a sunrise date, that is a different story. We're both up for that! We will wake up at 3 am to drive an hour to the beach just to see the sunrise, and then drive back to work and go about our day like any other time.
That doesn't mean we don't spend time together outside of our home. We connect and enjoy each other's company in many ways. For example, we often pack a lunch and head to the park next to our house for a picnic, but instead of a leisurely walk, we have a bit more intense approach to it. We make it a point to attend church every Sunday and participate in Bible study most Fridays or invite friends to have dinner with us. Additionally, we regularly visit our parents for dinner and take a dip in the pool together. These activities bring us joy and are fun but aren't critical to our happiness, but rather an extra flavor. Furthermore, we have discovered the benefit of running errands together. Whether it's going to the farmer's market or the supermarket, we tackle our shopping list as a team. It's a more efficient and enjoyable way to ensure we get what we need. And because I am partially blind, having my husband by my side in the store is incredibly helpful. His support and guidance make the experience much easier for me.
So instead of special occasions and outings, our lives are filled with easy, more or less chaotic patterns of everyday activities. From cozy movie nights or disturbing Glenn Beck documentaries to eating together, praying, or being busy with our responsibilities - we stay on and off engaged with each other so much that we do not need to seek each other's attention in any additional special way. The most special time of our day is our morning Bible reading when we do it together or next to each other. And then, of course, the part of our day when I prepare our meal and then scream at my husband, "Honey, let's eat!" We sit by the table and pray together and have our feast. It is usually one big meal a day because we are naturally set to that kind of meal schedule... but it is our time. We laugh. We talk. We enjoy every bite! We joke about who eats more and who always needs a bigger napkin. It is our time and our meal that we share in our home... We wouldn't exchange our way for the worldly way and for any, even most special date in Paris.
Why? Because marriage doesn’t feed on special moments, but on everyday commitment to each other and to Christ, and everything else is just an icing on the cake but we just prefer eggs and bacon at our kitchen table!
